The Journey

 Do you know the depths of God’s love for you? I really struggle in this area.  And God keeps making it abundantly clear to me how much He loves me, but how little I TRUST that He loves me.  Instead I am constantly waiting for the next tragedy to strike.  I am so fearful that if I am not living up to some kind of high standard that either He or I has set, then He is going to punish me or someone I love or both.  So I feel like if I make mistakes, I will lose something precious to me; it will be taken away.  Then I feel all this guilt because I’m not doing what He wants me to do, I’m not doing what I want me to do, and I’m also letting down everyone around me.  It’s almost as if I can dimly see all his blessings, I know they surround me, I could write pages and pages of things that are beautifully made by and given to me/us from God, but something is missing.  Then, through my Bible study this morning (Moms Set Free), something the author said hit me.  “How can I trust God if I don’t know God?” And that’s exactly what He’s been trying to show me.  He is trying to help me to know Him better.   To look at Him in all His glory, power, love, and kindness.  NOT in how He is going to hurt me or betray me or strike me down.  

Maybe these struggles to see his grace and mercy stem from the experiences of my life.  My parents divorced when I was around 5.  I come from a family of alcoholism and I myself was an alcoholic when I was in my teens and 20s.  My step- grandfather sexually abused me.  We moved all the time.  When I got to high school, I drank, did drugs, had boyfriends, skipped school, lied, cheated, stole.  I was anorexic.  I was reckless.  I was hurting.  It’s a wonder I survived my teens and 20s.  

Then I met Sean.  Everything changed.  We were saved!  But there was so much hurt there.  He deployed during most of our first year of marriage and left me all alone in a strange state and I was so scared that I was going to lose him to war.  Then he came back and we struggled.  We both had PTSD.  We had a really tough pregnancy with our first.  Then, as I wrote about in another post, I struggled with other pregnancies.  I lost my grandma.  I suffered from severe anxiety and depression and physical pain.  We had Lucas and started a journey with a really sick baby, two heart surgeries, and Down Syndrome.  We moved again and again. 

I write all of this not to complain, to point fingers, to have anyone feel sorry for me.  I write this to say that all these struggles make it hard for me to believe that God loves me.  Why did God let this all happen to me?  Why would anyone love me?  My parents?  My husband?  My children?  I don’t feel worthy of that love from anyone.  I feel low self esteem and I am unable to receive God’s forgiveness and I am unable to forgive myself.  And if I can’t understand why others would love me, I certainly can’t understand why God would love me.  

And I know, I know I am supposed to see how God brought me THROUGH trials, not TO trials.  And He did.  He has been faithful, merciful, and gracious to me and my family.  He has been kind and good.  He does love.  I just get so lost in the weeds.  I have my eyes focused on the hardships and not on the blessings that came through the experiences and hardships.  

God, please give your wisdom and relevation.  We want to know your heart.  We want to know you.  We want to trust you.  We want to see all your goodness and grace and mercy.  What you have poured out on all of us.  You sent your son to die for us.  You gave the ultimate sacrifice.  And this should always be enough.  To know that kind of love is hard for us to fathom and understand.  I have been reminded of the song Famous For lately - “shutting the mouth of lions”, “making a way through the waters”, doing what God is famous for ———-daily miracles.  Awesome love.  

Ephesians 1:17-19

New International Version

17 I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit[a] of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. 18 I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, 19 and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength