And give me peace

 I suffer from fear.  Overwhelming fear.  The fear that prohibits me from doing things.  It rears its ugly head everywhere.  I can fear going out in public.  I can fear being around friends.  I can fear that I’m going to lose one of my children or that they will get cancer or some other illness.  I can fear coronavirus.  I can fear the weather.  I can fear the economy. I can fear decisions that need to be made. Or school.  Or lack of control.  Or intimacy.  Or the future.  Or the past.  See, I told you.  And that’s just a partial list.  Fear leads to anxiety and depression and worry.  And panic.  And loss of control.  It feels like my ability to function starts to fail.  The more I struggle, the more the attacks come at me.  I lose faith, my eyes lose track of Jesus, I start having a hard time trusting in God.  It causes mental anguish and physical symptoms.  My ability to mother well suffers.  My desire to be a good wife falters.  I feel as if the world is asking too much of me.  The to-do’s are never ending. I can’t remember what I’m supposed to do.  Maybe pray or mediate on scripture or call someone.  Or something.  The anxiety clouds my reasoning on what I should do to help myself.  I try to stuff it all away and act like I can handle it.  But I’ve done that for a lifetime and this past year has been a year of facing those demons and fighting those battles and shining light on all that darkness.  I can’t run and hide from fear and anxiety and worry anymore.  God won’t let me.  And that’s because he loves me and wants joy and peace for my life.  He has done so much over this past year to carry me through the path to healing and recovery.  So then on the days when I am overwhelmed I also feel incredible shame.  I am disappointing Him and I feel so unworthy of his love.  I feel guilty for all the good things and blessings He has given me.  I don’t deserve them.  What if He takes it all away? I feel so fragile and that I will easily break.  This - posting something like this - even if no one reads it, makes me feel so vulnerable.  If my wounds and my hurts can help just one person though it is worth it.  

I know He is there and He cares and He has mercy and grace for my everything.  Just like he does for every one of His children.  

I don’t know if these things will ever go away.  I believe in healing.  I really do.  I don’t know why it still comes back.  But I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other all the while holding onto to my Father’s hand with all the strength I can muster.  

Numbers 6:24-26

New International Version

24 

“The Lord bless you

    and keep you;

25 

the Lord make his face shine on you

    and be gracious to you;

26 

the Lord turn his face toward you

    and give you peace.”