Beauty from ashes

A couple of posts ago, I wrote about my struggles with fear, which leads to anxiety and worry and stress and depression.  Today was a day where fear wanted to rear its ugly head and claim me mentally, spiritually, and emotionally.  

The enemy is a master at putting thoughts out there and then he hopes you take the bait.  If that thought takes hold in your mind and you start believing it, he will keep feeding lies and it can get really ugly really fast.  

Natalie, our three month old, has had a few diapers with a little blood, which we have already spoken to her pediatrician and my father-in-law about and both have said it’s nothing to be concerned about.  She also spit up some more than usual maybe and one feed she wasn’t too interested in, but she had eaten a couple of times through the night.  All these things led me to start to get nervous that something is wrong.  I took hold of the thoughts that the enemy was trying to place in my mind.  “Something is really wrong with Natalie, what if she is really sick, what if we lose her, what if she needs surgery” and on and on.  I started to feel paralyzed and numb, which felt so familiar because it has been years now of battling fear. 

I had suffered a miscarriage last summer and it was really hard.  I was in and out of the hospital for two weeks with bleeding that kept increasing, but the baby still had a heartbeat and doctors kept telling me it was fine and normal because I had a subchorionic hematoma.  On June 26th we lost the baby and despite our pleas the ER doc would not do a D&C.  The next day I started hemorrhaging and had a D&C.  It was really traumatic because this is not the first time I’ve had this happen.  

Back in 2014, I had a blighted ovum and started hemorrhaging at 12 weeks and had an emergency D&C then.  Both of these times were so scary.  Not to mention the fact that I had unexplained heavy bleeding with my first child that began at 30 weeks and kept us in the hospital for 6 weeks and then home on bed rest for another two weeks before having an emergency C section at 38 weeks.  BUT TO DELIVER A HEALTHY BABY BOY!  

These traumas have been exactly that.  Trauma.  I have battled PTSD for years because of this.  It’s only the Lord’s sweet grace that we have managed to have 8 precious miracles. And yes it may sound crazy that we kept having children, but we had given that area of our lives to God years ago because we felt He could manage it way better than we could.  And He has.  And even though I have seriously reconsidered taking it back from Him and taking the control, something inside of me has never been able to do it.  Isn’t it always the really hard things in life that become the things that are so worth it? They tend to bring about the most joy and give God the most glory.  There is beauty from ashes.  

So after my miscarriage last summer, by the end of the September we learned we were expecting and we were totally caught off guard by that.  It was nearly impossible that we were expecting.  When I started bleeding with this new pregnancy a few weeks after and received news that there was another subchorionic hematoma, I lost it mentally, emotionally, and physically.  It was everything I could do to even make it through each day and fulfill my responsibilities as a wife and mother.  I was so angry with God.  I was so incredibly scared.  A fear that is consuming and paralyzing.  I couldn’t function.  I cried often.  I would hide in the office so no one would see how bad it was for me, how badly I was hurting.  This spotting last until some time in December.  Then it stopped.  In these long, hard months I felt like I was in the battle of my life.  I wanted this baby so bad it hurt.  But I was just so so scared.  Did I mention how fearful I was and how hard this was?  

The ending of a healthy baby girl that is the joy of the house makes my heart melt just about every time I think of this story and how it has unraveled.  It has been years in the making and it has all been God’s miraculous doing.

Back to today - by the Lord’s sweet mercy and grace, I got over it and past the fear that something was seriously wrong with Natalie.  I felt I had new life, new motivation......God has been speaking to me for a while now about generations and I’ve been reading in Joshua and Psalms about it and listening to Kari Jobe’s The Blessing and really trying to hear God because YES He does speak and He loves to talk to us if we will only let Him.  I believe that He wants to bless my family and my children and our generations for obedience to Him.  He wanted to do this for the Israelites and throughout the Old Testament and he wants to do this for families today, too, I’m sure.  Because God is a loving God and He loves families.  Jesus really does love the little children.  He finds favor with these precious little ones.   He wants us to raise families for Him and to walk in his ways and He will bless.  Of course, there will be difficulties along the way.  No doubt about it.  But I found this joy today knowing I am doing what the Lord wants for me to do.  I have meaning.  I have purpose.  I am here working for Him to be a good wife to my husband and to be a good mom to our children.  Total disclaimer though....I FAIL daily, more like hourly.  And I am not special.  God wants to bless every single one of His children.  He loves us all just the same.  So this is not about me and my good works, which are few and far between, but about God and his grace and His ways and His holiness and perfection.  It was just different today because I could see clearly about what it is He wanted me to do.  To leave fear behind, to not listen to the enemy, and to focus on the kids and being there for them.  That this is important and it matters for eternity, both here and now and forevermore.  

The enemy was not going to invade and destroy today.  My heart belongs to God and to His purposes and he works it all out for our good, for those who are His.  

Rejoice with me.  

PS - Totally off subject, but I thought I’d share.  I love this website for really great recipes.  blessthismessplease.com