Relationships

 I’m scared of not having faith because God doesn’t answer the way I want Him to.  I’m scared of being angry with Him.  I’m scared of Him disappointing me.  I’m scared of people.  I’m scared of rejection.  I’m scared of not getting what I want.  I’m scared of confrontations.  I’m scared of failing.  I’m scared of others making me fail.  I’m scared of their behaviors, actions, reactions, and their physical, mental, and emotional selves because how they are effects my response and my thoughts and actions and I feel that is where I then begin to fail, fall short, and sin.  Then, I get angry with that person because I subconsciously  believe they are to blame for me failing.  And on top of that then I believe that God will get mad at me and punish me for the way that I am acting and that further makes me bitter with the person who caused me to sin in the first place.  Shew, this sounds complicated.  And obviously it’s all wrong and really just me blaming others for being who they are  when I need to take the responsibility for my personal self and how I react.  

I want to believe that my blessings truly are blessings and not burdens.  

I hear God’s still voice saying to pray.  I resist because I am so bad at praying.  Like I try to pray all the time and I feel like I get to the throne and have no clue what to say or my words are so not eloquent or powerful.  And let’s not forget the squirrel moments that bombard me.  

Isn’t it a miracle how he answers our requests?  In His timing.  With His ways and not our own.  

Praise.  Thanks.  Pray.  Praise.  Thanks.  Pray.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  

Now if only my mind can remember what to do when I am struggling.  I feel like I just get emotional instead.  And not rational.  I don’t want His words to fall in the thistles where my heart is too messy to hear and understand His sweet words.  Please let my heart be open enough to hear Him.  To hear the Holy Spirit.  But don’t let me try to control this!!!!  Let your will be done.  You shine through me.  I’m running to you and your story of grace and redemption remembering how I am a poor lost soul in need of Jesus.  That I can run towards you with my baggage.  It’s so heavy.  And not away from you, still lugging it, dragging it, holding on to it tightly.  It doesn’t belong here.  I feel the weight of it on my shoulders.  Literally.  And now one of those squirrel moments because I am occupied with thoughts of a professional massage to relieve the tension.  :)