Journal

 For a few years now I have been doing journal/keepsake books for each child that they can have when they move out.  We actually have two plastic bins in the garage filled with memories for each kiddo to take with them and do with it as they please.  

So I have been working on a journal and prayer book for Hailey since around springtime.  I had a handful of blank pages left and I thought it would be neat for her to add some things to it so she can look back when she is all grown up and  see what she was doing/thinking about/drawing when she was six.  

I happened took pick it up today and found something that made my mama heart really sad.  She writes: “The Lord is good.  Be as good as you can.  Love is good.  You’re a good person if you act good for your mom and dad”.  

Oh no!  I do not want my children to think that if they are good enough that they can earn our love.  And unfortunately that is oftentimes how I act towards my Heavenly Father.  I think if I am perfect and have it all under control and I don’t fail or make mistakes that God will love me and I will obtain right standing with Him.  But as soon as I mess up, which is quite often, I feel tremendous guilt and shame that I am disappointing God and that He doesn’t love me and is going to punish me.  I am sure this mindset is teaching Hailey to think the same thing about us.  

That way of thinking, MY way of thinking, leaves no room for grace.  God’s grace.  His mercy.  I know how to go to God and ask forgiveness and ask Him to help me.  I do that all the time.  Perhaps incessantly.  But how do I actually receive it?  Receive His forgiveness, His grace, His love.  

It’s a praise though because while I have been struggling today and wallowing in my guilt and shame yet again because yet again I was not perfect for God (unbelievable, right?!), I saw what Hailey wrote and halfway through writing her a letter about it, I realized how I had been feeling all day and this was probably the same thing God would write to me.  To all of us.   This is what I wrote:

Dear Hailey, 

Please know that whether you are good or bad that mom and dad love you and even more important God loves you.  Thank you for wanting our love, but you don’t have to work for it.  You have it.  We love you no matter what.  You are precious to us.  You are a blessing.  And if you give your life to Jesus, through Him., because of Him, God sees you as being righteous. and holy because Jesus took all your sins away.  He wanted to do that for you.  We love you sweet girl and always will.  Xoxoxoxo

Thank you Lord for using all of this to help me see once again how much you love all of us no matter what.